Second Dr.'s visit

I had my follow up visit with the Dr. yesterday. By his scale I had lost 5.8 lbs. Pretty good for one week. He cautioned that my average loss would be more in the 2-3lb range. He also wanted me to change the times that I take some of my supplements to see if I could be less hungry in the afternoons, my hungriest time. If that doesn't work, I am to try doubling my phentermine dose. I tried the supplement switch today and found my hunger to be about the same. It isn't horrid. I just get a bit preoccupied with what I am having for dinner and want it early. The funny thing is that when I start eating dinner I fill up pretty fast. I could only eat about half my salad tonight. It just lost all of it's appeal..... I have always been a member of the clean-plate club, so this is amazing to me.

Tomorrow I will keep with the supplement time switch and see what the effects are. Other than that, not much new. I am in love with the Proti protien bars they sell at the Dr.'s. They are delicious, 150 calories and 15 grams of protien. I had one of the otc protein bars I had left for breakfast and it was GAGGY. I choked it down because it is food and it wasn't cheap, but it was horrid.

food today:

180 cal protien bar
150 cal protien bar
90 cal chicken soup mix
200 cal. turkey
lettuce
tomato
pickled cauliflower
30 cal salad dressing
110 cal protien drink

Not bad for today. No workout. It is really hard to fit it in a weekend day!

The Week in Retrospect....

One week down in my journey. In the last two days I have lost a small, small, small .2 lbs. Down is good and I expect I will have another, more significant drop if I stay focused on my eating. It has been interesting how emotional it has been to not have food to turn to. I am an emotional eater. I tend to reward myself with food. I had one of those "ah ha" moments yesterday. I was spending time with my horse and really enjoying myself. I tend to rush through his workouts or skip working him in favor of the horses I am obligated to work with.

I realized that I don't reward myself with doing the things that make me happy.

I don't take time with my kids or animals or husband which I love to do.

I over obligate myself and rush through life. People think I take good care of myself because I often spend money on "things" these things and food don't fill the emptiness inside me left by neglecting my relationships with those I love. I try to do for others to win accolades and think that by running myself ragged I will be happy. Doing this only seems to make others take you for granted and not make me happy or gain their respect and love.

I often feel alone and sad in my life. I am surrounded by people clamoring for my attention and asking for more more more more more. I feel empty and like there is nothing left inside me. When I get to this point I tend to shut down. I run from the people I need the most.

I am going to try this week to be more open to honesty in how I am feeling in my relationships. I am not going to obligate myself to do things that I physically and emotionally can't do. I am going to face the emotions that this makes me feel and not hide or drown them with food.

Eating less is easy, excising is simple. Dealing with the reasons we eat and leaving the comfort that the habit of eating has provided is so hard. If I can't wrestle this and succeed I will never triumph in this battle......

Recipe---Fat Free Cabbage Saute

In a large skillet with lid, combine the following over high heat

1/2 cup water
1/2 head red or purple cabbage
1/2 large red onion
2 cloves garlic

Simmer with lid on until cabbage and onion are soft. Remove lid and stir until moisture is evaporated. Add

1/8 cup balsamic or rice wine vinegar
Salt and pepper to taste

Stir and serve warm.

Busy Day

I had one of those days today where you run around like a chicken with their head cut off and don't actually accomplish anything! I woke this morning, weighed (down another pound yippee!), went downstairs for my vitamins, pills and coffee and from there my day became the rush, rush, rush to nothing sort of day. I had an appointment to take a horse to Canada for some people to look at it. I rushed to get my daughter's hair fixed and outfit picked out before throwing clothes on myself and heading to the barn. I groomed the horse in question for one hour! She looked fabulous, then I waited....... The person trailering us up was running late, the friend going along for the ride was running late. Finally we arrive to find the trainers we were meeting weren't even at their facility yet......so we waited......When they finally arrived it was to tell us the client they had to try the horse wasn't coming.......ARGH..... then, well maybe we can get some other trainer to come see the horse.......An hour and a half later......That trainer isn't coming after all......So, horse loaded back on trailer and home we go. After finally getting back to the USA it was 2:00. Time to go ride my own horse and my training horse......Back is ACHING so just lunge them both, promising to ride tomorrow. Then lesson shows up to teach and FINALLY, almost 12 hours in the cold with a sore back, home I go. I didn't take time for me today. I let others dictate my life. It is not good.

I did follow my meal plan. So even though I didn't exercise today I am hopeful that tomorrow we will at least hold steady. I am also trying not to get too excited about the amount I have lost and think that the results will continue at this rate. I know that my losses will vary and even fluctuate up and down, but for now I am happy for the motivation.

I have another PACKED day tomorrow. Barn work, Realty work and taking the kids to the theatre tomorrow night. I am going to rise early and do my treadmill at home so I don't miss workout again. This should hopefully give me adequate time at the barn to get my two horses ridden before noon. GRRRUMPPP!

Yipppeee the Scale is not Broken

186.8!!!!!!

No Budging

AARRGHHHH, my scale is not budging. I haven't lost an ounce yet. I have followed my diet to the LETTER. I am measuring and weighing all my food and I haven't even eaten one tiny morsel of food that is not authorized by my Doc. It is frustrating to say the least. I am showing a small loss from the weight at my Doc's and my weight at home first thing in the morning. But my 189 lbs. that I weighed day one at home is still the same. I am going to try to up my water intake and see if I get the scale to move a bit in the morning.

I am beginning to realize that much of my day used to revolve around food. Planning, making and enjoying eating. I need to develop some new habits or hobbies to fill the time and space in my life that food has taken.

I had my first visit at the pain clinic today. A two hour evaluation left with three possibilites as to the source of my pain. The doc is pretty interesting. He literally wrote the book on spinal pain and is very proud. He is also of Korean descent and has a southern accent....... I go next tuesday for my first diagnostic injections. It sounds fairly painful, but finding the source of my pain and "fixing" it are a priority. I am supposed to do things that make me sore between now and then so I show a good relief from the injections if he hits the right area. I hope he finds the problem on this first try (injecting my spinal facet joints) or I will have to do the same thing with the other structures that could be causing the problem.

Normally this visit would have sent me out for a scone and latte and a bunch of self pity. I resisted and ate my lunch protien bar and got a black coffee...... Not nearly as comforting as eating the scone, but I am determined to learn new habits.

Sunday Sunday

I ended last night with the determination that I need to PUT MYSELF FIRST. This involves not allowing myself to be overcommitted and letting my needs be a priority. I need the time to work out. I need the time to work with my own horse. This is all a part of becoming a healthier and happier person.

So, today when I was at the barn I took time with Diego. I didn't hurry through his work. I enjoyed myself. I rode him first, before I was stiff and sore and left my training horses for last. Today was a no workout day. I am pretty stiff from the last two days and need to recharge. I will hit the gym first thing tomorrow. I have an appointment with the pain med. doctors to see about injecting my hip or back. Hopefully they will be able to give me some relief.

Eating was good today.

Breakfast 180 cal. south beach diet bar
Lunch 180 cal. south beach diet bar
snack 1/3 c. ff cottage cheese (50 cal.)
Dinner taco time chop salad (210 cal.) with a cup of white chili (98 cal.)

just finished dinner and I am stuffed! My energy level was good all day. I get a bit hungry around 2:00 and taking the second half of my amino acids at that time seems to help me make it to dinner without cheating.

The scale this morning was still 189. I am hoping to see a few ounces loss every day (should lsoe 2-3 lbs a week at least). Not seeing the scale budge was a bit of a downer. Hopefully I will see a blip down tomorrow.

What is Different This Time

I have been a serious yoyo dieter since the birth of my kids. I spent most of my 20's with my weight between 115 and 130. I didn't really have to try very hard not to gain any weight. My metabolism was revved up from riding up to 15 horses a day and working out on top of that! My first pregnancy was pretty unremarkable. I gained about 40 lbs. and was able to lose all of it before my son was 10 months old. It didn't require much dieting at all, just working out a bit and watching what I ate. My second pregnancy two years later was a different story. I was depressed and stressed during most of the pregnancy. I had preterm labor at 6 months and had to limit my activity. I gained over 80 lbs. and thought I wouldn't have too much trouble dropping the weight. I was able to get down to 150lbs while I was nursing and then turned to weight watchers to lose the rest. I was able to get to a low of 135lbs. with weight watchers, but when I stopped nursing the weight began to creep back on. Over the next year my weight ballooned back up to 180lbs. I wasn't eating horribly, but I was grazing lots. Lots of snacks, lots of lattes and scones.

At that point I decided to try Jenny Craig. Jenny Craig was probably the easiest and most expensive diet I have ever been on. I was able to get down to 150lbs. Transitioning to normal food was a huge issue. I didn't have a great idea about controlling my portions or judging what normal portions should be. AGAIN my weight crept back up to 180-190.

So I decided to try LA Weight Loss. LA Weight Loss is actually a pretty good diet. They expect you to plan and cook your own meals within their guidelines. I called it the low fat, low carb, low flavor diet. I got used to weighing and measuring all of my food and the weight came off fairly quickly. I ended at 140lbs. I kept the weight off for a while, but as the pounds began to creep on, I stopped weighing myself and gave up.

So the question is, what about this attempt will be different? How can I lose and keep the weight off for good this time. I think it all comes down to my motivation. The three attempts I made at losing before were all motivated by a desire to look good. I didn't really care about my health, I just wanted to try to look like I did in my 20's. I succeeded and then realized that I didn't really like the attention that I got when I was thinner. It frightened me to be looked at by men. I am not being vain, I am just saying that the attention was uncomfortable. Being overweight is like being invisible to some extent. Men (and women) don't really look at you. You are just another person in the sea of anonymous people we encounter every day.

This time I am motivated by my health and mobility issues. I am in chronic pain from my injury. Weighing less should take some of the pressure off my lower back and hips and make my daily life less painful. Weighing less may make it possible for me to continue riding horses as I enter the second half of my lifetime. I don't want to lose something I love so much. I can't imagine living without my horses. I don't want to be on pain medication the rest of my life, or limit my activity. I am determined that this will make the difference for me.

Today is going well with the diet. I have a little less energy and only made it through 45 minutes of cardio today. My back was really sore from yesterday and I just fizzled out during the work out. I still burned about 400 calories on the elliptical machine. I wanted to switch to the treadmill, but when one was available (busy at the gym!) a lady cut me off and took it! I spent 4 hours at the barn, on my feet the entire time or riding, so hopefully that will help with my activity level.

Eating today has gone well too. The combination of nutracueticals and medication I am on really just make food a non issue. A couple times I felt a little hungry, but I didn't get obsessed by it and went on with what I was doing.

Today I have eaten:

1/2 c. fat free cottage cheese with cinnamon 70 calories
150 calorie protein bar
50 calorie protein water
1/2 c. fat free cottage cheese with 2 tbsp. salsa 80 calories

So I have had a total of 350 calories today and will have a dinner of:

200 calories lean beef
cabbage and onion saute
green salad
1/3 c. brown rice

Day two almost down only a ton more to go!

Day One.....

I woke up this morning with SUCH determination. Everything is going well today. I woke up, took all 80,000 of my vitamins and pills (ick!). Drank black coffee and watched ER on Tivo. The meds seemed to kick in while I was watching TV and I was not craving anything, which is a major miracle. I had a 50 calorie protein water and headed out to workout. Our new workout place is fabulous, clean and well organized with lots of fun machines to try. I did the elliptical trainer for 30 minutes (300 calories burned!) and then did a circuit of the Natalus machines (10-15 reps with two sets on each (about 200 calories burned). I followed that with a 5 minute sauna, wishing the entire time that I had MUCH more time to spend in the sauna.

I was worried that after workout I would be famished. Typically the harder I work out the hungrier I get. I drank 24 oz. of water while I was working out. When I was finished I was a little hungry, but not bad. I had my 150 calorie coconut protein bar which was pretty hideous. I won't be buying that kind again! I was picturing a mars bar and it was much more like a waxy chocolate flavored nightmare. I choked it down with some more water and was definitely not interested in eating anything after that!

Off to the barn I went to ride. I spent 1.5 hours grooming and riding, which according to the website www.healthstatus.com burned about 500 calories. I am really hoping to see some fabulous gains this week on the low calorie diet. If my energy level stays good I may try a second week at this calorie level just to motivate myself. I have the option of doing anywhere from a 700-1500 calorie diet. The slower weight loss diets may come in handy when I get tired of eating so little, but as long as the medication make me not hungry and I get enough nutrients to stay energetic I would like to see faster results. For those of you interested in following an extreme diet like this you REALLY should be under medical supervision. I will see the doctor on a weekly basis to make sure that my body is not suffering from this diet.

Tonight for dinner we are going to the Olive Garden. Definitely not my choice! It is going to be a bit of a challenge to stay on the diet. I have searched online and my best bet for a meal within my calorie guidelines is a green salad with vinegar and oil dressing and a bowl of minestrone soup. This won't give me the protein I need, but will keep me in my calorie range. I may need to supplement another protein water after dinner to reach my 70 g. protein goal.

Tomorrow it ALL Begins

Today was my first appointment with my Bariatric Dr. It was pretty interesting. I am opting to go on a very low calorie diet to begin with (700-800 calories, YIKES!) so that I can see some quick results at least in the beginning. I am seriously embarking on this journey to gain some control over my health. Last year my weight had climbed from 140 to 170 when I started having chest pain. The doctors were stumped as to the reason and I was extremely stressed out. One month after the chest pain began I had an episode of transient retinal blindness. This episode didn't have any lasting effects, but for weeks I wondered If I would have another larger type of stroke that would kill me or leave me disabled. My stress caused out of control eating. My weight climbed to 190lbs. The doctors finally figured (through process of elimination) that I have a type of smooth muscle disease that causes random spasms. I was put on medication and the issues I was having are now under control. During the summer I began an intensive "boot camp" and diet. I was determined to lose some weight and feel like "myself" again. In two weeks I dropped 9 lbs. and was feeling great!

I was riding a training horse when he freaked out and bucked me off. I was kicked in the process and landed on my right hip. Months of prescription pain killers and again, eating eating eating put my weight back up to 190lbs. I have had chronic hip and back pain since the accident and I am DETERMINED to lose some of the excess weight. Losing the weight will hopefully help with my pain and allow me to regain my activity level. So here we go! I am going to follow this eating plan:

morning: 150 cal. protein bar

snack: 50 cal. protein drink

lunch: 150 calorie protein bar

snack: 50 calorie protein drink

dinner: lean meat, vegetable, salad, carb (total 300-400cal)

I am supplementing with fish oil, calcium, magnesium, potassium, multivitamin, amino acid supplement to increase my neurotransmitters (help feel full improve mood), and a prescription appetite suppressant.

The doc performed a body composition test ((I am 120lbs. lean body mass and the rest is pudge baby!), tested my hydration and performed an EKG. Everything looked good, so I am ok to try the low calorie diet. I am supposed to try to get 70 grams of protein a day to help prevent muscle loss. I had my "last meal" of chicken and noodles, a chocolate bar and peach pie with ice cream.....yeah, you see why I am at this weight;)

I also start my first day at the gym tomorrow. I am hoping to do some light cardio (as my back and hips allow) and some weight training.